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Topic: OT - Re: +Make Us Laugh Tradition (17 msgs / 518 lines)
1) From: Brett Mason
Here's an OT response....
These jokes are making my day a joy - thanks!  Wesley's right though,
we should keep to the OT lead in on subject lines...
I think the concise short story did it for me...
Brett
On 12/14/06, Wesley Simon  wrote:
<Snip>
-- 
Cheers,
Bretthttp://homeroast.freeservers.com

2) From: Sherry Hausner
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
Here is one for ya! :)
Sherry
Purina diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever =
and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. =
Duh!
On impulse, I told her that No, I was starting The Purina Diet again, =
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last =
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care =
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it =
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat =
one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is =
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here practically everyone in the line was by now =
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and =
was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no . . . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when =
a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door

3) From: Justin Marquez
Another one...
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
 Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.  And I
know you went out with him on a date last week.
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment punctually at
7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings
me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...  a
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner...  a marvelous dinner...  lobster,
champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure!  So then we are coming back to my apartment and he
turns into an ANIMAL.  Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new
dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!...  so you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"
Edna: "No, No, No...  I'm just saying,  wear an old dress.

4) From: Mike Chester
This is a true story.  A few years ago, a guy at work was retiring.  A group 
of us decided to hold a fish fry his last day as a final treat.  We brought 
in about 20 lb.of fish fillets and 5 fryers.  We began to fry the fish about 
an hour before the meal.  You could smell the frying fish for a couple 
hundred feet in all directions.  The girl friend of one of the cooks walked 
into the shop area and said, "Oh, you guys are cooking fish.  I thought that 
I smelled something when I walked in, but I was not sure if I smelled fish 
or if it was just me."  She could not understand why several guys fell down 
laughing.  After about a minute, she realized what she had said, turned a 
bright red and walked out.

5) From: Mike Chester
Another true story.  This may show one slight cultural difference between 
the US and Canada.  A few years ago, I was watching the Stanley Cup finals 
on the Canadian channel instead of the US broadcast.  The Dallas Stars were 
playing The Buffalo Sabers.  During the play, Mike Modano had his suspenders 
come loose from his hockey pants and they began to slip down.  He grabbed 
them with one hand and headed toward the bench.  One of his teammates was 
not aware what was happening and passed him the puck.  Michael Peca from 
Buffalo checked him into the boards.  The play-by-play announcer said that 
it was not a fair hit.  Ron McLain who was doing the color said, "Well if 
your pants fall down, you should expect to see a little Peca."  I don't 
think you would hear that on US TV.

6) From: Mike Chester
Since there are a lot of engineers on this list -
It is the middle of the French revolution and there are three beheadings 
scheduled today, a priest, a thief and an engineer.  The priest is placed on 
the guillotine, the blade is released and it stops about an inch short of 
his neck.  The officials declare it devine intervention and the priest is 
spared.  Next the thief, and the same thing happens He too is released.  Now 
it is the engineer's turn.  He looks at the guillotine and says, " I see 
what the trouble is."

7) From: Sandy Andina
--Apple-Mail-254-987708572
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
Content-Type: text/plain;
	charsetO-8859-1;
	delsp=yes;
	format=flowed
An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. "We're getting  
married," declares the man, "and we want to make sure our hearts can  
take, well, you know, the wedding night." So the doctor offers to  
give them cardiac stress tests. "Well, doc," replies the woman, "if  
it's all the same to you, instead of putting us on that treadmill or  
exercise bike, could you do the tests while my fiancé and I are  
making love? That way we'll know for sure."
The doctor is a bit nonplussed but figures that's as good a cardiac  
stressor as any, and so he agrees. The nurse applies the electrodes,  
the couple go at it and get dressed. The doctor comes in and says,  
"Good news--you both passed with flying colors!" He shakes their  
hands and wishes them all the best.
A week later, the couple returns.  "At our age, you can't be too  
careful," the man explains. "Yes," adds the woman, "we'd hate to have  =
our honeymoon tragically cut short. Could you repeat the test again?"  =
The doctor shrugs, "Well, it's unusual, but if you insist........"  
Once again, the couple make love and once again, they are given a  
clean bill of health and congratulated on their upcoming nuptials.
The next week, the couple return and the woman starts in, "You know,  
we're still not sure--people our age drop dead all the time and...."
The doctor cuts them short. "For heaven's sake, you're both fine. And  =
this is a DOCTOR'S OFFICE---why don't you two just get a motel room?"
"We tried," sighed the man, "but they won't take Medicare  
assignment....."
Sandy
www.sandyandina.com
www.sass-music.com
--Apple-Mail-254-987708572
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
Content-Type: text/html;
	charsetO-8859-1
An elderly couple =
walk into a doctor's office. "We're getting married," declares the man, =
"and we want to make sure our hearts can take, well, you know, the =
wedding night." So the doctor offers to give them cardiac stress tests. =
"Well, doc," replies the woman, "if it's all the same to you, instead of =
putting us on that treadmill or exercise bike, could you do the tests =
while my fiancé and I are making love? That way we'll know for =
sure."
The doctor = is a bit nonplussed but figures that's as good a cardiac stressor as = any, and so he agrees. The nurse applies the electrodes, the couple go = at it and get dressed. The doctor comes in and says, "Good news--you = both passed with flying colors!" He shakes their hands and wishes them = all the best.
A= week later, the couple returns.  "At our age, you can't be too = careful," the man explains. "Yes," adds the woman, "we'd hate to have = our honeymoon tragically cut short. Could you repeat the test again?" = The doctor shrugs, "Well, it's unusual, but if you insist........" Once = again, the couple make love and once again, they are given a clean bill = of health and congratulated on their upcoming nuptials.
The next week, the couple = return and the woman starts in, "You know, we're still not sure--people = our age drop dead all the time and...."
The doctor cuts them short. = "For heaven's sake, you're both fine. And this is a DOCTOR'S = OFFICE---why don't you two just get a motel room?"
"We tried," sighed the man, = "but they won't take Medicare assignment....." Sandywww.sass-music.com
= = --Apple-Mail-254-987708572--

8) From: TERRY TITSWORTH
 Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in Texas when one
of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's
collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to
interview the boy.
He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title
it, *'YOUNG
LONGHORN FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL.'"*
"But I'm not a Longhorn fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Texas, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and
he starts writing again.
He asks, "How does, *''AGGIE FAN RESCUES FRIEND FROM HORRIFIC ATTACK''** *
sound?"
"I'm not an Aggie fan either," the boy says.
"Oh, I thought everyone in Texas was either for the Aggies or the Longhorns.
What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm an Oklahoma Sooner fan," the boy replies.
"They're just the best!"
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes: *"LITTLE
REDNECK FROM OKLAHOMA GOES BERZERK, KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET."*
-- 
Start HOT and work your way Down...
Peppers AND Coffee.
[|:{O....[|:{U...

9) From: Don Harris
We can take this off list and just eail me if people are getting
upset. I don't want to comment on any of the stories/jokes because I
don't think that would be fair but let me say you "list people" are
pretty funny.
Here's a few I got off list (names removed)
Royal visit
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to
their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the
streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of
pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,
and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable,
but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore
the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous
manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned
to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets.
I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot
control."
George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please
don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
One More
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked
admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking,
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably
for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked up to the cash
register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their
meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking
food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French
fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger
and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip
of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his
few bites. Again, you could tell that people around the old couple
were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began eating his
French fires, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples'
table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied
that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then
the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped
some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to
let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no,
they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and
was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it
no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he
finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You
said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "The teeth."

10) From: Chad
Heeeres 'yer sign!
Chad
<Snip>

11) From: jim gundlach
There once was a graduate from the University of Alabama named Sammy  
Jessup, who like most of the kids there, went to all the ball games  
but never studied because he expected to go to work for his old man  
in the family business.  But, it was not to come to pass, the very  
semester he graduated with the gentleman C’s in basket-weaving, his  =
daddy lost all his money, including the business, betting on the  
Auburn-Alabama game.  Well, this poor Bamer was down and out and he  
had to make some money some way.  He happened to be driving through  
this rather well to do neighborhood near Birmingham when he saw this  
little boy playing in the front yard of this great big old house.   
The idea hit him immediately, he decided to kidnap and ransom the  
boy.  He stopped at the curb, wrote the following note:
Dear sir,
      I have taken your son, if you ever want to see him alive again,  =
put $100,000 in a paper bag and drop it into the trash can just to  
the left of the Vulcan statue by sundown today.
      Thank you,
       Sammy Jessup
       University of Alabama
       Class of 2005
       Roll Tide
He then took his last dollar out of his wallet, rolled down the  
window of his car, and called the kid over and gave the kid the  
dollar to deliver the note to his daddy.  He then drove off to  
observed the trashcan and just a few minutes before sundown, a red  
and white Cadillac drives up, a man gets out, and puts a paper bag  
into the trashcan.  Sammy waits for him to leave and  went down to  
the trashcan, pulled out the bag and looked in and saw bundles of  
hundred and fifty dollar bills and a note.  He opened the note and read:
    Sammy,
       This is one hell of a thing to do to a fellow Bamer.
          Roll Tide – Beat Auburn

12) From: Elliott Perkins
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
Nuclear war, Manhattan vaporized, Boston Globe headline:
HUB MAN WITNESSES ATOMIC BLAST
TERRY TITSWORTH wrote:
<Snip>

13) From: Barbara Wilson
/A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them 
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are 
rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and 
calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is 
dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just 
take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a 
silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. 
He says: "OK, now //what?"// /

14) From: David Schooley
Two teenagers had been dating for a while when at school one day the  
young lady told her boyfriend that he had been invited to her house  
the following Saturday to have dinner and meet her parents. She also  
announced that, in honor of this momentous occasion, they would have  
sex later that evening for the first time.
The big day finally arrived, and the boyfriend, being a consentious  
young man, went to the local drugstore to buy some condoms. He was  
immediately overwhelmed by the large selection of brands and styles.  
The pharmacist, noticing the young man standing near the condom  
display, went over to offer his assistance. The boy explained that he  
and his girlfriend were going to have sex for the first time and that  
he needed to buy some condoms. The pharmacist spent the next 30  
minutes or so with the young man discussing sex and the differences  
between the various types of condoms. When the boy finally made his  
decision, the pharmacist asked him how many he needed, explaining  
that they came as singles, three-packs, and family packs. The boy  
thought about it and replied that a family pack would be best, this  
being their first time and all.
When the young man arrived at his girlfriends house, introductions  
were made and everyone immediately sat down to dinner. Our hero  
offered to say grace, and for the next ten minutes everyone sat with  
head bowed and eyes closed, but the boy did not say a thing. Finally,  
the young lady leaned over to her boyfriend and whispered, "I didn't  
know you were this religious." Her boyfriend replied, "I didn't know  
your father was a pharmacist."

15) From: Bill Morgan
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender turns around, looks them over,
and says "Is this some kinda joke?"

16) From: Scot Murphy
Guy goes to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist says, "You're crazy." Guy  
says, "I want a second opinion." Psychiatrist says, "Okay, you're  
ugly, too!"
---
"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
                           --Kilgore Trout

17) From: Scot Murphy
It's the old Soviet Union. Two guys are in line for eggs. One guy  
says to the other, "Can you believe you gotta wait ten hours for  
eggs?" Second guy says nothing.
Later, the same two guys are in line for bread. First guy says to the  
other, "Can you believe you gotta wait twelve hours for bread?"  
Second guy says nothing.
Another time, the same two guys are in line for toilet paper. First  
guy says to the other, "Can you believe you gotta wait two days for  
toilet paper?" Second guy says nothing. A minute later, two KGB guys  
show up and grab the first guy and drag him off. Nobody says anything.
A month later, the second guy is waiting for milk when the first guy  
comes up and joins him. He's skinnier, he's got bruises, he doesn't  
look so good. The second guy says, "So?" And the first guy says, "You  
call *this* a line?"
---
"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
                           --Kilgore Trout


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