HomeRoast Digest


Topic: OT:Re: +Make Us Laugh Tradition (30 msgs / 1320 lines)
1) From: TERRY TITSWORTH
 O.K. Here Ya Go...
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out
and brought him to his room. When the hospital director became aware of
Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the
hospital because she now
considered Edna to be mentally stable.
She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news".
The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another
patient, you displayed sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
but he's dead.
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"
On 12/14/06, Don Harris  wrote:
<Snip>

2) From: Sandy Andina
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At 95, Sylvia Goldstein has outlived all the suitable men in her Boca  
Raton assisted living facility. As a result, she's become rather  
bored and needs something to occupy her time and attention; one day  
she discovers the Home Shopping Network and is instantly hooked.  In  
fact, she grows to look forward more to the human interaction with  
the "operators standing by" and with Sol the elderly part-time U.P.S.  
driver--who delivers the items she'd bought--than to actually  
receiving and using the stuff.
One morning, her intercom buzzes. "Mrs. G," says the receptionist,  
"it's U.P.S. with a delivery for you. But I have to tell you, Sol is  
off today--but there's this cute young substitute driver and he looks  
really HOT in those little brown shorts! Shall I send him up?"
Sylvia replies, "Stall him for five minutes while I get ready."  Five  
minutes later, her doorbell rings.  She flings open the apartment  
door, and to the U.P.S. guy's horror he is greeted by Sylvia in a  
negligee and peignoir. Suppressing a shudder, he says, "Ma'am, I have  
a package for you."
"I'll bet you do, young man," replies Sylvia.  She holds out her  
right hand, which is balled up in a fist.   "But before I sign for  
it, you have to tell me what I have here in my right hand. Guess  
correctly and I will give you the wildest, most torrid and passionate  
night you have ever experienced."
Now, the delivery guy is understandably appalled, but his mama  
brought him up to be a mensch and respect his elders, so he decides  
that to avoid hurting Sylvia's feelings, he will play along...but  
only just enough to get him off the hook.  "Go ahead, young man,"  
prods Sylvia, "what have I got in my right hand?"
The delivery guy pretends to ponder for a moment and then replies,  
"Uh.......a rhinoceros?"
Sylvia looks down at her fist, opens it and declares, "Close enough!"
On Dec 14, 2006, at 10:39 AM, TERRY TITSWORTH wrote:
<Snip>
Sandy
www.sandyandina.com
www.sass-music.com
--Apple-Mail-252-983418464
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At 95, Sylvia Goldstein has =
outlived all the suitable men in her Boca Raton assisted living =
facility. As a result, she's become rather bored and needs something to =
occupy her time and attention; one day she discovers the Home Shopping =
Network and is instantly hooked.  In fact, she grows to look forward =
more to the human interaction with the "operators standing by" and with =
Sol the elderly part-time U.P.S. driver--who delivers the items she'd =
bought--than to actually receiving and using the stuff.
One morning, her intercom = buzzes. "Mrs. G," says the receptionist, "it's U.P.S. with a delivery = for you. But I have to tell you, Sol is off today--but there's this cute = young substitute driver and he looks really HOT in those little brown = shorts! Shall I send him up?"
Sylvia replies, "Stall him = for five minutes while I get ready."  Five minutes later, her doorbell = rings.  She flings open the apartment door, and to the U.P.S. guy's = horror he is greeted by Sylvia in a negligee and peignoir. Suppressing a = shudder, he says, "Ma'am, I have a package for you." 
"I'll bet you do, young = man," replies Sylvia.  She holds out her right hand, which is balled = up in a fist.   "But before I sign for it, you have to tell me what = I have here in my right hand. Guess correctly and I will give you the = wildest, most torrid and passionate night you have ever = experienced."
Now, the delivery guy is = understandably appalled, but his mama brought him up to be a mensch and = respect his elders, so he decides that to avoid hurting Sylvia's = feelings, he will play along...but only just enough to get him off the = hook.  "Go ahead, young man," prods Sylvia, "what have I got in my = right hand?"
The delivery guy pretends = to ponder for a moment and then replies, "Uh.......a = rhinoceros?"
Sylvia looks down at her = fist, opens it and declares, "Close enough!"On Dec = 14, 2006, at 10:39 AM, TERRY TITSWORTH wrote:
 O.K. Here Ya = Go...

 

Jim and Edna were = both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past = the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He = sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, = pulled Jim out and brought him to his room. When the hospital director = became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be = discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be = mentally stable.

 

She went to Edna and = said, "I have some good news and some bad news".The good news is that = you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. = By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you = displayed sound mindedness.

 

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in = his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so = sorry, but he's dead.

 

Edna replied, "He = didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go = home?" On = 12/14/06, Don Harris <rustycogs> = wrote: Ohh, I = forgot to mention, you may reply to this email as many times as you = would like. Also, the judges on New Years Eve will probably have had = a "beverage" or two so even if you think your story/joke is = not "that" funny please send it - you never know what will set a room = full of drunks off. -- Start HOT and work your way Down... = Peppers AND Coffee. [|:{O....[|:{U... = Sandywww.sass-music.com
= = --Apple-Mail-252-983418464--

3) From: Sandy Andina
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Two fine alumni of Texas A&M University, Wayne and Elvin, have taken  
advantage of a fine crisp Hill Country day and are out hunting.  They  
are hiking up a trail and arguing the finer points of NASCAR and  
college football, when Wayne suddenly realizes that for the past  
minute or so he's been doing all the talking. He turns around and is  
horrified to discover Elvin collapsed in an inert heap on the ground  
fifty yards back.  Wayne quickly whips out his cellphone and dials 911.
"Emergency services," comes the reply, "what seems to be the problem?"
"It's my buddy Elvin," cries Wayne, "we were out hikin' and now he's  
dead!  This is awful! What'm I gonna do?"
"Now, now, sir," replies the operator, "let's not jump to conclusions  
just yet. First things first--let's make sure he really IS dead. Go  
ahead, I'll wait."
A few agonizing moments of silence ensue. Then--BLAM!!--the operator  
hears a deafening shotgun blast.
Wayne gets back on his cellphone. "OK, he's dead. Now what?"
Sandy
www.sandyandina.com
www.sass-music.com
--Apple-Mail-253-984575061
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Two fine alumni of Texas A&M =
University, Wayne and Elvin, have taken advantage of a fine crisp Hill =
Country day and are out hunting.  They are hiking up a trail and =
arguing the finer points of NASCAR and college football, when Wayne =
suddenly realizes that for the past minute or so he's been doing all the =
talking. He turns around and is horrified to discover Elvin collapsed in =
an inert heap on the ground fifty yards back.  Wayne quickly whips out =
his cellphone and dials 911.
"Emergency services," comes = the reply, "what seems to be the problem?" 
"It's my buddy Elvin," = cries Wayne, "we were out hikin' and now he's dead!  This is awful! = What'm I gonna do?"
"Now, now, sir," replies = the operator, "let's not jump to conclusions just yet. First things = first--let's make sure he really IS dead. Go ahead, I'll = wait."
A few = agonizing moments of silence ensue. Then--BLAM!!--the operator hears a = deafening shotgun blast.
Wayne gets back on his = cellphone. "OK, he's dead. Now what?" Sandywww.sass-music.com
= = --Apple-Mail-253-984575061--

4) From: Tom Ulmer
Okay... you got to picture Henny Youngman accompanied by snare drum.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 
  
 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything." 
  
 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 
  
 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 
  
 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A
beer please, and one for the road." 
  
 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?" 
  
 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."  "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."  "Is it common?"  Well, "It's Not Unusual."
 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."  "I don't believe you," says
Dolly.  "It's true; no bull!"  Exclaims Daisy. 
  
 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to
look at either. 
  
 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 
  
 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any. 
  
 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"  The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!" 
  
 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 
  
 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh. 
  
 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!" 
  
 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too. 
  
 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.  "But
why," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 
  
 18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."  The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. 
Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal." 
  
 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him.  (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. The agnostic, dyslexic,  insomniac who laid awake all night wondering
'if there really was a dog'.

5) From: mikeplays
A little more "On Topic".  At least it's about coffee:
A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning
when he had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the
cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up
is soldiers in your cup!'"

6) From: Angelo
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the 
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each 
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. 
He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and 
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And 
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."

7) From: Sandy Andina
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It is nearing the end of a very long day in divorce court.  The clerk  
calls the last case.  Up walk Sam and Sadie, a centenarian couple.   
The judge is taken aback but regains her composure.  "What brings you  
before me?" she asks them.
Sam & Sadie respond in unison. "We want a divorce."
The judge asks them how long they have been married. "Seventy-five  
years," replies Sadie.
Incredulous, the judge exclaims, "You've been married SEVENTY-FIVE  
YEARS and you're asking for a divorce? Why NOW?"
Sam answers, shrugging his shoulders, "Enough is enough."
Sandy
www.sandyandina.com
www.sass-music.com
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It is nearing the end of a very =
long day in divorce court.  The clerk calls the last case.  Up walk =
Sam and Sadie, a centenarian couple.  The judge is taken aback but =
regains her composure.  "What brings you before me?" she asks =
them.
Sam & = Sadie respond in unison. "We want a divorce."
The judge asks them how = long they have been married. "Seventy-five years," replies = Sadie.
Incredulous, the judge = exclaims, "You've been married SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS and you're asking for = a divorce? Why NOW?"
Sam answers, shrugging his = shoulders, "Enough is enough."
Sandywww.sass-music.com
= = --Apple-Mail-257-1021358137--

8) From: Sandy Andina
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Cohen the Smuggler has been eluding Customs for years--with his meek  
demeanor and modest dress, nobody ever suspects him of anything  
except perhaps being a bit of a schlemazel.  But Inspector Smith, the  
"Javert" of the Customs Service who has made it his life's work to  
catch him, has received a tip that on today's 1 pm flight from  
Kingston, Jamaica to JFK Airport, Cohen will be bringing in a load of  
Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee beans worth thousands of dollars--and on  
which he has no intention of paying duty.  Inspector Cohen stands at  
his podium, eagerly awaiting the arrival of his longtime nemesis.
Sure enough, at precisely 1:15, the first of the passengers on the  
Kingston flight begin trickling in.  Bringing up the rear is a little  
old man in a threadbare overcoat and battered fedora, laboriously  
dragging behind him a large vinyl suitcase that appears to be  
bursting at the seams.  The man reaches Inspector Smith's podium and  
resignedly hands over his passport. "Afternoon, Mr. Cohen," says  
Smith, "welcome back to the U.S.A. Got anything to declare?"
"Yeah," replies Cohen, "it's hot and I'm schvitzing."
"I see," responds Smith drily. "Must be awfully tough dragging that  
huge valise. What's in there?"
"Bird food," replies Cohen, matter-of-factly.
"BIRD food?!" asks Smith incredulously.
"Yeah, bird food," answers Cohen. "What? You deaf or something?"
"Very well then, Mr. Cohen, mind if I open the suitcase?" Cohen  
shrugs, "Nu, suit yourself. I got nothing to hide."
Smith groans as he heaves the huge suitcase on to the inspection  
table. He unzips it and flips open the top, and sure enough, the  
entire inside of the case is occupied by a large burlap bag stenciled  
in blue: "Jamaica Blue Mountain Coffee--Wallensford Estate."
I've got him now, Smith chortles to himself. To Cohen, he says "Oh,  
come now, Mr. Cohen, surely you don't expect me to believe birds will  
eat coffee
beans?"
"Nu," Cohen shrugs again, "if they want, they'll eat; if they don't,  
they won't."
Sandy
www.sandyandina.com
www.sass-music.com
--Apple-Mail-258-1022891803
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	charsetO-8859-1
Cohen the =
Smuggler has been eluding Customs for years--with his meek demeanor and =
modest dress, nobody ever suspects him of anything except perhaps being =
a bit of a schlemazel.  But Inspector Smith, the "Javert" of the =
Customs Service who has made it his life's work to catch him, has =
received a tip that on today's 1 pm flight from Kingston, Jamaica to JFK =
Airport, Cohen will be bringing in a load of Jamaica Blue Mountain =
coffee beans worth thousands of dollars--and on which he has no =
intention of paying duty.  Inspector Cohen stands at his podium, =
eagerly awaiting the arrival of his longtime nemesis.  
Sure enough, at precisely = 1:15, the first of the passengers on the Kingston flight begin trickling = in.  Bringing up the rear is a little old man in a threadbare overcoat = and battered fedora, laboriously dragging behind him a large vinyl = suitcase that appears to be bursting at the seams.  The man reaches = Inspector Smith's podium and resignedly hands over his passport. = "Afternoon, Mr. Cohen," says Smith, "welcome back to the U.S.A. Got = anything to declare?"
"Yeah," replies Cohen, = "it's hot and I'm schvitzing."
"I see," responds Smith = drily. "Must be awfully tough dragging that huge valise. What's in = there?"
"Bird = food," replies Cohen, matter-of-factly.
"BIRD food?!" asks Smith = incredulously.
"Yeah, bird food," answers = Cohen. "What? You deaf or something?"
"Very well then, Mr. Cohen, = mind if I open the suitcase?" Cohen shrugs, "Nu, suit yourself. I got = nothing to hide."
Smith groans as he heaves = the huge suitcase on to the inspection table. He unzips it and flips = open the top, and sure enough, the entire inside of the case is occupied = by a large burlap bag stenciled in blue: "Jamaica Blue Mountain = Coffee--Wallensford Estate."
I've got him now, Smith = chortles to himself. To Cohen, he says "Oh, come now, Mr. Cohen, surely = you don't expect me to believe birds will eat = coffee beans?"
"Nu," Cohen shrugs again, = "if they want, they'll eat; if they don't, they won't." = Sandywww.sass-music.com
= = --Apple-Mail-258-1022891803--

9) From: Brett Mason
It was Advent, and Father O'Leary was meeting with the three couples
who had taken the Season to draw closer to the Lord.  They had met
weekly for prayer and Scripture reading, and were gaining a depth of
seeing the Lord at work in their lives.  The four weeks had not been
easy, and yet their dedication had been worth it.  Focusing on the
trek to Bethlehem, and the birth of the Child, these couples had a
deeper understanding of dedication and sacrifice.
So Father O'Leary asked each couple how this season of sacrifice and
dedication had been.  Each couple had refrained from relations,
turning their energy toward devotion.  And so they each answered about
their own challenges.
Sharon and Fred had been married for over fifty years.  Their
relationship had grown especially close over the years.  "The weeks
have been somewhat longer" said Fred.  "You know, with prayer and
special times of reading, we have made it through this season."
Bob and Sue also grew during this Christmas season.  With teenage kids
and busy schedules, they were ready for a time of quiet and solitude.
"We almost didn't make it through Advent.  You know some things are
very difficult, Father."  "I told Bob that we are adults, and some
sacrifice is the least we can do to understand the meaning of the
Story."
James and Erin were drawn closer over the season as well.  "We spent
several quiet moments where we reflected on God's gift" said Erin.  "I
thought we were doing just fine" added James.  "But then we dropped by
Henry's Market.  This was particularly challenging.  Erin was looking
for spaghetti, my favorite.  We had the noodles and the salad, and her
sauce is just the best!  Everything was working just as we had hoped,
until we got to the canned tomatoes."
"You see, the store brand has the best value" said Erin.  "And it's
always on the bottom shelf" added James.  "That's when we made our
mistake.  Erin was bending over to find the best cans of tomatoes, and
I realized I was not thinking of Advent or devotion."
Father O'Leary did have some thoughts.  "You must know, God blesses
marriage, and there is no need for guilt or embarrassment.  He knows
your heart, your plans for devotion, and His grace is yours, even now.
 Don't feel bad for Advent, but learn from Him, and let this be an
encouragement to you as we approach Christmas."
"I know God loves us, and His grace is great.  But how can we ever
shop in Henry's Market again?"

10) From: Les
OK I was going to stay out of this because what does it have to do with
coffee?  I then realized I was getting a lot of laughs from my virtual
coffee shop so here is one of my favorites:
Dr. Smith moved to a small town to get away from the rat race of his large
practice.  The town was thrilled because they had never had a Doctor
before.  Dr. Smith hung out his shingle and it said, "Dr. Smith M.D.
specialist in Psychiatry and Proctology".  Everything went fine until about
six months had gone by and one of the town council asked, what does
"Psychiatry and Proctology" mean.  Nobody knew, so they appointed Mrs. Jones
to go to the library and find out.   At the next town meeting the whole
council was upset when they found out, and they voted that Dr. Smith had to
change his shingle.  They called him in and told him.  Dr. Smith was very
upset and said he wouldn't do it.  He told them he had worked hard and many
years to earn those specialties.  They gave him a month to change.  A day
before the counsel meeting the sign hadn't been changed.  After the council
meeting the town council walked down to Dr. Smith's office.  There was a new
sign.  It said, "Dr. Smith Specializing in Odds and Ends."
Les

11) From: Scot Murphy
<Snip>

12) From: Scot Murphy
Then there was the time that Roy Rogers, back when he was first  
married to Dale Evans, had to put up with her pet, which was a cat.  
The cat couldn't stay away from anything leather, and that included  
Rogers's brand new pair of wingtips, which (if you remember the  
times) were extremely expensive and took a lot of time to save up  
for. Well, one day he comes downstairs and finds his wingtips in  
total shreds, and sitting there looking satisfied as anything is that  
stupid tabby. Dale comes downstairs at that moment and sees Roy about  
to strangle the cat, and says, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who  
chewed your new shoes?"
---
"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
                           --Kilgore Trout

13) From: Scot Murphy
And then there was the monastery full of monks who were sworn to  
silence. The only way they could communicate was to sing, but they  
were only supposed to sing prayers and the like. But there was a  
rebel, one monk who couldn't be repressed no matter what, and he  
would wander past the others on the way back from evening vespers,  
humming, "Good evening." And the abbott would hear it but not be able  
to tell who it came from, no matter how hard he paid attention. Night  
after night the monks would pass in line and he would hear a lone  
voice: "Good evening," sung barely above the silence.
This drove him nearly mad until one night, as the monks passed each  
other silently, he heard it again. Breaking his own vow of silence,  
he shouted, "STOP!" As the monks stopped in astonishment, the abbott  
regained his composure and sang, "Someone chanted evening..."
---
"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
                           --Kilgore Trout

14) From: Scot Murphy
And then there was the time when President Richard Nixon, who was in  
deep ca-ca, came into the office of Vice President Gerald Ford and  
suggested he might resign if only Ford would give him a pardon. "I  
don't know," said Ford, "it might look kind of suspicious."
Nixon scowled. "Pardon me, Ford," he said, "but I'm the chap who knew  
to choose you."
---
"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
                           --Kilgore Trout

15) From: Scot Murphy
And then there was the cantor at a synagogue who never hid the fact  
well that he was gay. One time, in January, he was there at a ritual  
circumcision when the handsome son of Gyorgi Schmendrickov walked in,  
and he swooned so badly he couldn't talk. The mohel rolled his eyes  
and says, "Now is the cantor of our winter's bris made glorious  
schtummie by the son of Gyorg!"
---
"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
                           --Kilgore Trout

16) From: Lisa J. Carton, LICSW
NOW don'yt  t you think we should add the OY joke! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!=
!
----- Original Message ----
From: Sandy Andina 
To: homeroast
Sent: Friday, December 15, 2=
006 12:13:55 AM
Subject: Re: OT:Re: +Make Us Laugh Tradition
It is n=
earing the end of a very long day in divorce court.  The clerk calls the la=
st case.  Up walk Sam and Sadie, a centenarian couple.  The judge is taken =
aback but regains her composure.  "What brings you before me?" she asks the=
m.
Sam & Sadie respond in unison. "We want a divorce."
The =
judge asks them how long they have been married. "Seventy-five years," repl=
ies Sadie.
Incredulous, the judge exclaims, "You've been married SE=
VENTY-FIVE YEARS and you're asking for a divorce? Why NOW?"
Sam ans=
wers, shrugging his shoulders, "Enough is enough."
Sandy
www.sand=
yandina.com
www.sass-music.com=
Want to start your=
 own business?
Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.http://smallbusiness=.yahoo.com/r-index

17) From: Lisa J. Carton, LICSW
this one i've heard but it's cute
----- Original Message ----
Fro=
m: Angelo 
To: homeroast
Sen=
t: Thursday, December 14, 2006 11:56:02 PM
Subject: RE: OT:Re: +Make Us L=
augh Tradition
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Sain=
t Peter at the 
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Pet=
er said, "you must each 
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to g=
et into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out=
 a lighter. 
He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You m=
ay pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reac=
hed into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said,=
 "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.=
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and =
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the =
man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And 
just what do those symbolize?"=
The man replied, "These are Carol's."==
Do you Yahoo!?
Everyone is=
 raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.http://new.mail.yahoo.com

18) From: TERRY TITSWORTH
 *Louisiana** Transfer*
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and
moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.
"Oh man...I've been transferred to Louisiana," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in Louisiana and they have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in Louisiana all my life, and it is
not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in
the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh,
thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's
OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Shreveport!"
-- 
Start HOT and work your way Down...
Peppers AND Coffee.
[|:{O....[|:{U...

19) From: Mike Chester
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

20) From: Don Harris
On 12/15/06, Les  wrote:
<Snip>
Les,
You are right, it has nothing to do with coffee. I was the lucky
winner of a Tradition and I wanted to give back to the group. My goal
was not to upset anyone but to give everyone a few chuckles. I know I
have blown coffee on my keyboard at least three times. It will be a
great pleasure sending someone the Sweet Maria's GC.
Thanks for participating,
Don

21) From: Sandy Andina
--Apple-Mail-261-1067768694
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Content-Type: text/plain;
	charset-ASCII;
	delsp=yes;
	format=flowed
Almost added that as "alternate punch line" ("we wanted to wait until  
the kids were dead") but I was afraid that might have crossed the line.
On Dec 15, 2006, at 11:08 AM, Mike Chester wrote:
<Snip>
Sandy
www.sandyandina.com
www.sass-music.com
--Apple-Mail-261-1067768694
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
Content-Type: text/html;
	charsetO-8859-1
Almost added that as "alternate =
punch line" ("we wanted to wait until the kids were dead") but I was =
afraid that might have crossed the line.
On Dec 15, 2006, =
at 11:08 AM, Mike Chester wrote:
Same joke different punch line...We were staying together until the kids = died.  = Sandywww.sass-music.com
= = --Apple-Mail-261-1067768694--

22) From: an iconoclast
On 12/15/06, Don Harris  wrote:
<Snip>
You done good Don!  It was just what I needed.  For the first time
since we've lived in Zigzag, we were unable to get home yesterday
because the windstorm closed the road for 31 miles.  We had to stay in
town at my sis-in-law's. Our electricity was out for 20 hrs and our
generator isn't working.  And I have a terrible cold and feel
miserable.  We got home without problem this morning, no damage to our
house, we bought a new generator, the electricity came on and now it
is a beautiful snowy night.  And I have laughed till I cried at some
of these stories.  It was a perfect end to the last few days.
Thanks,
Ann

23) From: Sandy Andina
Well, I'm not going through anything remotely as stressful as you  
folks in the PNW (in my seven years in Seattle, we had one bad  
snowfall and that was it).  But I'm sitting here in my hotel room in  
Madison, WI, after a rather, er, interesting afternoon--having left  
Chicago at 3pm for a leisurely drive up I-90, to arrive at dinnertime.
But just past Beloit, about 5 pm, I felt my wheels begin to shimmy;  
and suddenly after passing north of Janesville my right front  
passenger tire bit the dust--dramatically, but not a true blowout. I  
was able to steer over to the roadside. My buddy Joan was with me.  
First thing I thought to do was call my emergency road service  
provider--but it dawned on me that we did not know exactly where we  
were!  It was pitch black, there was no mile marker nearby and no  
signage readable except for a billboard 1/4 mi. n. advertising The  
House On The Rock, which we knew to be way north of Madison. It  
mentioned which exit to take, but not a clue as to how far south we  
were of it.
Leaving the car was not an option--traffic was blowing past us at  
75mph.  "I know," I thought, "let me plug in my GPS unit and get a  
reading as to our exact location." So I did--and promptly got an  
error message on the Magellan's screen: "Map Data Locked; no valid  
card installed; please enter validation code and call Customer  
Service." (It was, after a $99 purchased update failed to install,  
Magellan's charming way of saying, "Buy a new unit, you cheap  
b*****d!").  The Joan realized her cellphone has GPS capability, so  
we called GEICO's roadside assistance on it. GEICO did not have any  
way to detect the phone's GPS, so it called the WI State Patrol; and  
guess what? Prime-time procedural police dramas notwithstanding,  
neither did the State Patrol.  So Joan called her cellphone provider  
to try to get a heading, while I called GEICO to give them as much  
info as we knew (we had passed Janesville, the last mileage sign we'd  
seen a few miles back said "Madison 37 mi.," and we had not yet  
passed the exit for Milton/Edgerton). Even this much info was  
sufficiently vague that they had to call around to the State Police  
themselves, as well as to a tow truck operator in Beloit, a good half- 
hour-to-an hour away. We could see that about a mile north there was  
some sort of road sign hanging over the freeway, but we were too far  
to read it (and if we drove any further we'd wreck not just the tire  
but the wheel rim).
Meanwhile, Joan's cell provider informed her that they too had no way  
of getting a GPS heading off her cellphone, but only the State Police  
did. They were shocked to find out that Wisconsin's finest were as  
hamstrung as they,
So we sat with the motor running (thank goodness we had 2/3 tank of  
gas) to avoid having the emergency flashers and dome lights drain the  
battery, while semis and cars whizzed by at 75-80 mph (shaking my  
little Taurus violently as they did so).  The one consolation was  
that I had used the facilities back at the last Illinois Tollway  
Oasis (and that Starbucks was willing to sell me a short breve rather  
than a tall), since it'd have been too dangerous to exit the car (and  
press my now-empty coffee cup into "alternative" service).
Finally, the tow truck and State Police car arrived together--the  
former pulling up in front of me and the latter running interference  
behind (it was too dangerous even for the trooper to get out of his  
cart to put out emergency flares or reflectors). The tow truck  
operator managed to get the car hooked up--and then on his count, I  
literally flattened myself along the side of the car till I got to  
the rear and around to the passenger side where I could safely enter  
the cab of the tow truck.
However, said cab was meant for two--and both Joan and I are, shall  
we say, older baby-boomer "women of substance." Furthermore, I have  
two arthritic and unstable knees. So Joan got in first--and between  
her pulling me up and the driver pushing me, I managed to get into  
the cramped truck cab. The driver brought my car fully onto the  
flatbed, secured it, and we took off.  Sure enough, that sign we  
could see but not read indeed was for the Milton/Edgerton exit. We  
pulled off, only to find there were no service stations open capable  
of changing a tire, much less replacing one. (And the spare--as well  
as the emergency kit--was under the trunk floor, below the suitcases  
and musical instruments). The driver re-secured the car and then  
remembered there was a tire shop back in Janesville. We got the  
number from directory assistance, and mirabile dictu, they were still  
open and would wait for us.  So off we went---right on to the wrong  
on-ramp (heading NW rather than SE). Fortunately, we were able to get  
off and turn around 2 miles later.
We finally arrived at the tire shop half an hour before closing,  
where we were informed they had plenty of tires....but they were out  
of rims.  Fortunately, it was only the tire that had failed (the  
sidewall was the culprit),  we needed just one, and the rim was fine.  
Whew!  We finally pulled into our hotel at 9:15......only three hours  
later than we'd planned.
Dead animals and leaves diet be damned--we hit a local burn-it- 
yourself steakhouse and had massive slabs of dead cow, along with a  
deliciously verboten baked potato (it's Hanukkah and that was the  
closest I could find to latkes) and a few bites of so-so cheesecake.
Lessons I learned:  check the tires, don't just fill them; keep the  
en-route drinks small; observe every exit sign and mile marker; never  
travel without a convivial and unflappable friend; keep the emergency  
kit in the CABIN, not the trunk; and Monday morning, buy a new GPS  
unit......this time, NOT a Magellan!
Oh, yeah--and things could always be worse!!
On Dec 15, 2006, at 11:39 PM, an iconoclast wrote:
<Snip>
Sandy Andina
www.sandyandina.com

24) From: Scot Murphy
On Dec 16, 2006, at 12:20 AM, Sandy Andina wrote:
<Snip>
Oh, I dunno. That was pretty bad. :)
Luckily everything worked out and you were both safe--thankfully!
Scot "I know what the middle of nowhere looks like" Murphy
---
"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
                           --Kilgore Trout

25) From: Lynne
Ann, I hope you feel better soon Wow, I feel blessed for having to 
simply stay home whenever there's a bad storm around here (sniff, sniff 
- I won't be able to walk down to watch the furious ocean during those 
storms after I move.. sniff sniff)
I totally agree w/you about the laughs. This was a terrific idea - I 
needed the laughs, too!
feel better -
Lynne
On Dec 16, 2006, at 12:39 AM, an iconoclast wrote:
<Snip>

26) From: Jim Anderson
Great story. Glad all survived.
About the GPS...get a Garmin.http://www.garmin.com/automotive/products.html#automotiveJim

27) From: Sandy Andina
Just did--went to Best Buy today and got a Garmin Nuvi. Will plug it  
in in a few minutes enroute from the hotel to the gig.
On Dec 16, 2006, at 3:05 PM, Jim Anderson wrote:
<Snip>
Sandy Andina
www.sandyandina.com

28) From: True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69)
Good Luck at the show, Knock em Dead!!!! 
Sing Fog for me if you can!
Dennis
AKA
FC1(SW) Dennis W. True
CS/CS-5
USS Dwight D. Eisenhower (CVN 69)
FPO AE 09532-2830
HG/DB and Z&D roasting in the Persian Gulf
 "On station and on point 138 and counting down..." 
Just did--went to Best Buy today and got a Garmin Nuvi. Will plug it  
in in a few minutes enroute from the hotel to the gig.
On Dec 16, 2006, at 3:05 PM, Jim Anderson wrote:
<Snip>
Sandy Andina
www.sandyandina.com

29) From: Fancye9876
This is an article submitted to a 1999  Louisville Sentinel contest to find 
out who had the wildest Christmas  dinners.  This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother  used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace 
before Christmas.  He  said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.  What 
they say about Santa  checking the list twice must be true because every 
Christmas morning, although  Jay's kids' s tockings were overflowed, his poor 
pantyhose hung sadly  empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on  sunglasses and 
went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell  those things at 
Wal-Mart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore  downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.   You'll only confuse 
yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like,  "What does this do? You're 
kidding me!  Who would buy that?"  Finally,  I made it to the inflatable doll 
section.
I wanted to buy a standard,  uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as 
a passenger in my truck so I  could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was  difficult.  Love Dolls come in many different 
models. The top of the line,  according to the side of the box, could do things 
I'd only seen in a book on  animal husbandry.  I settled for Lovable Louise.  
She was at the  bottom of the pric e scale.  To call Louise a doll took a huge 
leap of  imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,  Louise came to 
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in  during the wee morning 
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the  dangling pantyhose with 
Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some  cookies and drank what 
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I  went home, and giggled for a 
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother  called to say that Santa had been to his house 
and left a present that had made  him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. 
  She would bark, start  to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that  Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the 
family could admire  her when they came over for the traditional Christmas 
dinner.
My  grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.  "What the  
hel l is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a  doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny  snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth  shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey  sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the 
dining room.
But  Granny was relentless.  "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I  could have answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas and no one 
wanted  to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang  
on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up  to me and 
said,  "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told  him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the  mantel, talking to Louise.  Not 
just talking, but actually flirting.   It was then that we realized this 
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at  home.
The dinne r went well.  We made the usual small talk about who  had died, who 
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a  noise like 
my father in the bathroom in the morning.  Then she lurched from  the panty 
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the  sofa.
The cat screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,  and Grandpa ran 
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering  mouth-to-mouth 
resuscitation.  My brother fell back over his chair and wet  his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat  in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and  remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough  examination to decide 
the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that  Louise had suffered from 
a hot ember to the back of her right  thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored  her to 
perfect health! < 

30) From: Peter Zulkowski
*Hillbilly Birth**
*Deep in the back woods, of **Fletcher** County Kentucky a hillbilly's 
wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was 
called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, 
the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold 
this high so I can see what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the 
doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think 
there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that 
lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a 
hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one 
coming!" cried the doctor
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . 
.. . .
.**
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"*
<Snip>


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