HomeRoast Digest

Topic: make us laugh (13 msgs / 346 lines)
1) From: susan oppenheim
Ralph wasn't feeling well. He went to his family doctor who he ahd trusted
for years with this sensitive situation  who examined him thoroughly for 2
hours. He sat down with poor worried Ralph  for a consultation afterwards
and said as tenderly as possible
I think this is more complicated than I had imagined. Can you come back next
week for a follow up?I want to see you personally.
The next week the doctor said
come in
I am afraid I have some bad and some very bad news for you.
What is the bad news?
You have less than 24 hours to live.
Oh Lord... well then what is the very bad news
We couldn't get a hold of you yesterday...

2) From: Larry English
This reminds me of a delightful book with Pandas on the cover and the title
 "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves."
On 12/15/06, Stu Lieberman  wrote:

3) From: Michael Wascher
Michal Quinion, the author, also has an excellent website, newsletter & RSS
feed:http://www.worldwidewords.org/On 12/15/06, Larry English  wrote:
"Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play,
you can't win." --Robert Heinlein

4) From: Don Harris
Here's one I got off line:
A guy with a Doberman Pinscher said to a guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's
go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
	The guy with the Chihuahua replied, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs with us."
	The guy with the Doberman Pinscher said, " Just follow my lead."
	They walked over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman put
on a pair of dark glasses. He walked into the restaurant.
	The host at the door said, "Sorry, no pets allowed. State Law."
	The guy with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing eye dog."
	The host was stymied. "A Doberman Pinscher?"
'Yes, they're using them now; they're very good."
	The host said, "Oh, come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figured "What the heck," so he put on a
pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The host said "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my
Seeing Eye dog."
The host said "Oh Come on, a Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

5) From: Don Harris
... and another
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened his box of animal crackers
and spread tem all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I am looking for the seal."

6) From: Don Harris
..... and another
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and
about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered
what they had taught him in seminary to do when a situation like this
would arise-repeat your last point. Often this would help you remember
what was coming next. So he thought he would give it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He
thought he would try it again. "Behold, I come quickly." Still
He tried it one more time with such force that he fell forward,
knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over a flowerpot, and
falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher apologized and tried to explain what happened.
That's all right young man," said the little old lady. "It was my
fault. I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times
you were coming!"

7) From: True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69)
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
There is a Steak house in Norfolk VA who's slogan is
A Rare Medium Well Done
On 12/15/06, Larry English  wrote: 
	This reminds me of a delightful book with Pandas on the cover
and the title
	 "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves." 
	On 12/15/06, Stu Lieberman < boyntonstu
 > wrote: 
		A 4'9" fortune teller was arrested for grand theft and
placed in the local jail. 
		The next morning he was found missing, having escaped
through the narrow spaces in the bars.
		A creative newspaper editor headlined the story:
		"Small, medium, at large".

8) From: Kit Anderson
While entertaining, it is not true.http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/landgrab.aspKit
True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69) wrote:

A True story
 I must first introduce you to "Deputy Bob", even though "Deputy Bob" was
the original teller of the tale I will refrain from using his name.
He graduated from a small school in Oklahoma and identified himself as the
only white kid in his graduating class. He was later identified by our
Police Chief as having been pulled out of a pair of bib over-alls and throw=
into a uniform. When I had met him he had been a police officer in our
community for about 4 years but had started out as a jailer in our County
Jail and was a Sheriffs Deputy when this incident occurred.
Officer Bob began the story by stating that he had been driving through an
area when he observed a couple placing boxes onto their front lawn from
their home. Deputy Bob being an avid LAWN or GARAGE SALE adherent pulled hi=
vehicle to the opposite side of the roadway across from the yard in
question. The vehicle was clearly marked "Sheriffs Deputy" on both sides of
the vehicle. Deputy Bob stepped from his vehicle, adjusted his gun belt and
assorted police type equipment and proceeded across the roadway to the
suspected 'treasures'. Deputy Bob began opening the boxes and sorting
through the items. As an item of interest presented itself, Deputy Bob woul=
hold up the item and asked the couple, who were still moving boxes onto the
lawn, "How much ya askin fer this?" To which one of the couple would reply,
"It's not for sale."
Deputy Bob would then replace the item and dig further or move to the next
box. Again a prize would present itself and Deputy Bob would hold it up and
ask, "How much fer this?" and again the reply came, "It's not for sale."
Undaunted Deputy Bob continued moving from box to box, sorting and looking
until he would find yet another article of interest. Deputy Bob held up the
item as the couple came out of the front of the home with still more boxes
and asked, "What are ya askin fer this?"
Finally the couple stopped moving boxes, stood looking at Deputy Bob and
said, "It's Not For Sale."
Deputy Bob was becoming a little flustered himself and asked, "Well just
what IS for sale here?"
The man placed his hands on his hips looked Deputy Bob in the eye and said,
"Nothing….We're trying to MOVE!"
Deputy Bob stated that he then went back across the street and had to reach
up REAL HIGH to get hold of the vehicles door handle so he could open the
door and crawl into his car to make good his getaway.
This story was related to about 8 police officers inside the police station
during shift change. The laughter woke up ALL the prisoners in the adjacent
cell block.
Start HOT and work your way Down...
Peppers AND Coffee.

10) From: True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69)
As most of you receiving this know, New Orleans residents are challenged =
often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of =
years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two =
centuries, houses have been passed along through several generations of =
families, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.
Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client =
that I thought was absolutely priceless!!
Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this. A New Orleans =
lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be =
granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property =
being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to =
1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following =
(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's =
loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract =
of Title.
While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and =
presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared =
title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final =
approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back =
to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):    "Your =
letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that =
you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by =
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this =
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know =
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the =
year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land =
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it =
Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of =
Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named =
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to =
India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being =
a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the =
precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her =
jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you =
may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it =
is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is =
safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called =
Louisiana .
God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, =
to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I =
hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"
(The loan was approved.)
      Love it or leave it!

11) From: Scot Murphy
On Dec 19, 2006, at 8:00 AM, True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69) wrote:
It WAS funny. Just not true. :)
Scot "not sure if that makes it funnier" Murphy
"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
                           --Kilgore Trout

12) From: Larry English
Yup.  I laughed, a little bit.  Got a kick out of it, actually.  Then I
found out that someone believes something they found on the internet that
says that something else on the internet isn't true.  Then I really
laughed.  A lot.  Had a real google - er, giggle, over it.  The Internet
makes experts of us all.  Yahoo!
G'nite, Gracie ...
On 12/19/06, True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69)  wrote:
"You can't know the unknowable, but you can do the doable." - Jon Carroll

13) From: True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69)
I was placing this in the make us laugh section.  
Did anyone laugh?
FC1(SW) Dennis W. True
USS Dwight D. Eisenhower (CVN 69)
FPO AE 09532-2830
HG/DB and Z&D roasting in the Arabian Gulf
 "On station and on point 136 and counting down..." 
While entertaining, it is not true.http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/landgrab.aspKit
True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69) wrote:

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