HomeRoast Digest


Topic: OT - Make Us Laugh Tradition (5 msgs / 161 lines)
1) From: Mike Chester
An 85 year old man marries a 23 year old woman and they decide to have a 
baby after 6 months of trying, they go to a doctor for help.  The doctor 
tells the old man that the solution is that he should hire a young 
"gardener."  The old man says that he can't understand how that will help, 
but the doctor tells him to trust him.  The man hires a gardener and 2 
months later, his wife is pregnant.  He tells the doctor that his plan had 
worked.  The doctor smiles knowingly and asks how the gardener is.  The old 
man replies, "she's pregnant too."

2) From: Dean
Another elderly fellow with a young bride was having trouble getting his 
family started, so he went to the fertility clinic.
The doc wanted to check his count so the nurse handed him a small bottle 
and some reading material and directed him to a restroom with 
instructions to bring back a sample for analysis.
Five minutes go by, then ten minutes stretch into fifteen and still no 
sign of the guy.  The staff is getting really worried when finally 
twenty minutes later the door slowly swings open.
The old is standing there panting, drenched in sweat from head to toes.  
The nurse said, "my gosh, sir, are you all right?  We were really 
getting worried.  What happened?"
The guy said "well, first I tried using my right hand, nothing, so I 
tried using my left hand.  I tried running a little hot water on it. 
Then I tried running cold water on it.  For a while I even tried banging 
it agianst the sink."
"But I still couldn't get the cap of this little bottle"
<Snip>

3) From: Michael Wascher
 An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man
wanted.
"You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the
elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".
"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America
invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone
here in England invented the language."
BTW,
A friend once pointed out Otis's main facility as we passed it. It's one
floor!
He explained that their engineering facility has a horizontal elevator. A
simulator that allows them to test new features horizontally -- much easier
than running up & down tower! Hence an elevator company in a rather large
single story facility.
--MikeW
-- 
"Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play,
you can't win." --Robert Heinlein

4) From: Steve Sakoman
We should have at least one lawyer joke in this competition:
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.  The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million
dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give
something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"*
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."*
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
children."*
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had
no idea."*
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you?"*

5) From: miKe mcKoffee
 While this isn't necessarily a joke, might be funny enough to submit to the
coffee 'joke' contest.
Hillbilly Medical Terms 
	Benign................What you be after you be eight. 
	Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria. 
	Barium.................What you do with dead folks. 
	Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome. 
	Catscan................Searching for the cat. 
	Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her. 
	Colic...............A sheep dog. 
	Coma...............A punctuation mark. 
	D&C................Where Washington is. 
	Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do. 
	Enema.............Not a friend. 
	Fester............Quicker than someone else. 
	Fibula............A small lie. 
	G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball. 
	Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on. 
	Impotent...........Distinguished, well known.  
	Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work. 
	Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid. 
	Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates. 
	Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake. 
	Node....................I knew it. 
	Outpatient..............A person who has fainted. 
	Pap Smear................A fatherhood test. 
	Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis. 
	Post Operative...........A letter carrier. 
	Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery. 
	Secretion.......Hiding something 
	Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.
	Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.  
	Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station. 
	Tumor...............More than one. 
	Urine...............Opposite of mine. 
	Varicose............Near by
	Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's
feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill. 
Kona Konnaisseur miKe mcKoffee
URL to Rosto mods, FrankenFormer, some recipes etc:http://mdmint.home.comcast.net/coffee/Rosto_mod.htmUltimately the quest for Koffee Nirvana is a solitary path. To know I must
first not know. And in knowing know I know not. Each Personal enlightenment
found exploring the many divergent foot steps of Those who have gone before.


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