HomeRoast Digest


Topic: OT make us laugh (4 msgs / 174 lines)
1) From: Kevin
Someone sent this to me and I found it amusing:
The follwing is a summary of what I have learnt via email over the last
year.
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American
troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore ,
and Uzbekistan ..
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to some great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I
can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I'm still waiting for my gift certificate from Applebees for forwarding
their message to my seven internet friends.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon
and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.
-- 
My home coffee roasting blog:http://homecoffeeroastblog.blogspot.com/Kevin

2) From: True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69)
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
A family is sitting at the dinner table.  The son asks his father, "Dad,
how many kinds of 'boobies" are there?"
The father, surprised at his son's question, answers, "Well son, there
are three kinds of breasts.  In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like
melons, round and firm.  In her thirties and forties, they are like
pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.  After fifty, they are like
onions."
"Onions?" asked his son.
"Yes," replied his father "you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter who sat across the table, so the
daughter looks at her mother and asks, "Mom, how many types of "willies"
are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles back at her darling daughter and answers,
"Well dear, you see a man goes through 3 phases.  In his twenties, his
willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his thirties and
forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible, but still reliable.  After
his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"Christmas tree?" asked the daughter.
"Yes dear, a Christmas tree..........dead from the root up and the balls
are for decoration only."
 
Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dennis
AKA
FC1(SW) Dennis W. True
CS/CS-5
USS Dwight D. Eisenhower (CVN 69)
FPO AE 09532-2830
HG/DB and Z&D roasting in the Persian Gulf
 "On station and on point 140 and counting down..." 

3) From: raymanowen
Pabst used the slogan "Original Flavor" on their logo in the 50's when
Peoria and Peoria Heights started Fluoridating the water supply.
Who knew?
Cheers -RayO, aka Opa!
"The indisputable truth is that no coffee is fresh if it isn't fresh
roasted." - - Martin Diedrich

4) From: True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69)
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
 
Subject: Why Men Aren't Secretaries...
Husband's note on refrigerator for his wife:
 
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
 
I didn't even know you liked beer.


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