HomeRoast Digest


Topic: Make us laugh tradition *CHANGE* (8 msgs / 381 lines)
1) From: Don Harris
I had planned on about two weeks for everyone to get their best stuff
together but maybe that was too long. I really don't want to mess up a
good thing, this has been fun. So ...  please submit your best stuff
on or before December 20th - A winner will be selected December 24th,
one week early.
Just trying to keep the peace,
Don
save your stories and jokes for next years one week long Make Us Laugh
Tradition ..........

2) From: Don Harris
I posted this a while ago and for some reason I don't see it in my in
box. As a matter of fact I am getting List post recieved out of order
from the time the were sent, what's up with that. Anyway, since this
post (if you got it) things have settled down but I still think
tomorrow is the last day. I will contact the winner by email on the
25th with the details of the Gift Card.
Thanks to all,
Don
On 12/19/06, Don Harris  wrote:
<Snip>

3) From: Barry Luterman
Re post the winning joke too

4) From: Don Harris
I will.
here are a few more received off list
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a
beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it
been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a
slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it's been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on
her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a
drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl
starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly,
"So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The
man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me
you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"
Another ..........
The Cowboy
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The
usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you
don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle,
and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas
Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then
asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without
moving a muscle, Sam replied,
. . . "... the balcony..."
one more ..................... a classic I have heard before
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of
a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the South and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Oklahoma. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Oklahoma Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Oklahoma Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick
to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you
old coot. Now it's my turn."
[I love this part....] The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give
up. You can have the duck.

5) From: TERRY TITSWORTH
O.K. here is my next to the last entry... Dedicated to the hard core fliers.
Qantas Gripe Sheets
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with
a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
.  Enjoy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Friction locks because throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
P:  Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
On 12/19/06, Don Harris  wrote:
<Snip>
-- 
Start HOT and work your way Down...
Peppers AND Coffee.
[|:{O....[|:{U...

6) From: TERRY TITSWORTH
And for my final attempt at humor I present my dad's favorite story..
Returning to his childhood home a young man decided to walk around the old
downtown square, reacquainting himself with the sights and locations he had
know well as a child.
As he walked by the old shade tree near the center of the square he saw an
elderly man setting on one of the benches. The man looked familiar to the
younger man, and he recognized him as the postman who had delivered mail to
his family's home, so many years ago.
The young man approached the elderly man and spoke to him, "Sir, do you
remember me?" The elderly man looked up and stared at the young mans face
for a moment, as a smile replaced the intent expression of concentration
"Why yes, your little Billy Brown, taller and older, but I would know you
anywhere," was the old man's surprised response. "How many years has it bee=
n
now, how long have you been gone?" The elder man asked.
Billy replied, "Our family left here about 20 years ago, and I have since
married and live in the next state. I decided to come back for a visit and
see how the town looks now."
"As you can see, not much has change around here, except some of the folks,=
"
the old man offered.
Billy said, "As I recalled your name is North, Mr. North, correct?"
The old man smiled at the boy's remembrance and said, "That is correct
Billy, and I'll bet you would like to know about some of the other folks
that you knew?"
Billy sat next to the old man, began remembering people's names and awaited
the response from Mr. North.
"Now Mr. Jones, the butcher, he lived here and work at the old shop over
there on the corner, until the day he passed away. He was 84 years old when
he passed. And old Doc. Winston, he got killed in a car wreck about 5 years
ago. Really was too old to be driven, but he was too self reliant to listen
to anyone. And then Sam Wilson, worked at the shoe store, he up and ran off
with a fancy lady from upstate, just left his wife and all them kids. That
was about 15 years ago now."
Listening to every word, Billy asked, "What about old Frank, Frank
Williams?"
Leaning back into the bench the old man looks up toward the sky, rubs his
chin and said, "Frank Williams, Frank was a cripple ya know. Well funny
thing about Frank. There was a tent revival came to town about 10 years ago=
.
And Frank, he was a cripple ya know, he decided to go to that thing. Well h=
e
hobbled down to where they had the tent set up and he goes inside. Since he
had to use crutches, Frank, he's a cripple ya know, he decide to set in the
back so he got room for his crutches. Well as he was asitten there, the
preacher he starts to yell'n and holler'n and carry'n on, and then he shout
that they was going to have a healen service.
"Well, old Frank, he's a cripple ya know, he's setten there and the next
thing ya know, this preacher he starts holler'n for Frank to pick up his
crutches and come down to be healed. Well, old Frank, he's a cripple ya
know, he gets his crutches and he hobbles down the aisle toward the
preacher. When he gets up there he's stand'n next to a feller that stammers=
.
Well that preacher he asked this feller what his name is. He says,
'JaJaJohn', and the preacher asked if he wants to be healed and the fellers
says' 'yayayayes.' So the preacher he tells him to step behind the curtain
they hung up behind the preacher. Then he asked old Frank what his name was
and Frank, he's a cripple ya know, says, 'Frank', and the preacher asked if
he wanted to be healed? And old Frank, he's a cripple ya know, he says yes
too. And the preacher he tells him to go behind the curtain also.
"Well, the preacher he tells all the folks to start praying, to pray real
hard and believe for the heal'n of that poor crippled Frank and that poor
old stutterer, John. Well them people began pray'n and shout'n and carrying
on and pretty quick that preacher he hollers out, 'Frank, brother Frank,
throw out your right crutch.' And over the curtain comes this crutch.
Everybody started to holler and yell and sayin' 'Praise the Lord' and all.
Then the preacher hollers, 'Frank, throw out your left crutch.' And over th=
e
top comes this other crutch.
"Well, the crowd just doubles their hollerin' and praisin' God. Then the
preacher shouts out, 'Speak John…..Speak up brother John.'
"The crowd goes real quiet and then ya hear John speak…….
'Fra..Fra..Frank…Fe..Fe.. Fell'….
" Franks a cripple ya know."
On 12/19/06, Don Harris  wrote:
<Snip>
-- 
Start HOT and work your way Down...
Peppers AND Coffee.
[|:{O....[|:{U...

7) From: Sheila Quinn
LOL - gee, thanks. I'm flying today!!!
Sheila
TERRY TITSWORTH wrote:
<Snip>

8) From: True, Dennis W. FC1 (CVN69)
Have a safe trip! 
Dennis
AKA
FC1(SW) Dennis W. True
Safety Dept
USS Dwight D. Eisenhower (CVN 69)
FPO AE 09532-2830
HG/DB and Z&D roasting in the Arabian Gulf
 "On station and on point 135 and counting down..." 
LOL - gee, thanks. I'm flying today!!!
Sheila


HomeRoast Digest